Rocking The Medical Routine Boat

So yesterday I had a challenging experience. I had to visit my oncologist. At his new clinic.

Hopefully some other long-time survivors can relate with me so I don’t sound like a total patient-snob. But, after you’ve gotten used to your “medical routine,” it’s hard when it’s changed. Whether you’re going to a new place, have a new nurse, or heaven forbid, get a new doctor – those changes are hard. And although I knew to expect changes yesterday, I didn’t expect to be affected by them so much.

There were probably some really legitimate changes that can be made to the new clinic to make the patient experience better. I’ve got a great doctor who actually took down notes after he saw the flustered look on my face as he walked in the exam room. But even getting past some of those things, I tried to really figure out why I was so startled yesterday. And I decided this:  The reason I’m there in the first place is unsettling enough.

I try to be go-with-the-flow as much as I can. But for some reason I was really, really not up for changes yesterday. I didn’t like going to a new office, nor the new check-in procedure. I wasn’t crazy about anything really – and I knew my poor attitude was stemming from something bigger than the fact there were no magazines in my patient room. I was struggling because I like security, and the reason I’m sitting there is very insecure.

Thankfully, my doctor is a gem and he really did care about my experience and will try to make it better. Having him come in, know my past 10 years history and tell me what’s next, was comforting. And to add another positive – a nurse came in and remembered me from when I was 17, so I didn’t have to explain why I was a 27-year-old colon cancer patient – major bonus points.

In the end, I guess my hope for sharing my story is two-fold:

– For any medical practitioners out there to see the patient’s point of view sometimes. Remember that while you may be making small changes in your world, they may be big changes in your patient’s world. You and your staff offer security to your patients and their families, security that they may not be feeling anywhere else. So while you have all rights to make changes to anything, make them slowly, communicate a lot, and be understanding at how it’s taken. And make sure it’s very clear how much they will owe at the time of their visit.

– To kick myself in the butt, and challenge myself to be more flexible. To find my security in things outside of my medical routine. And to remind myself that although I’m driving to a new clinic with new people and  new routine, that doesn’t mean that my whole world has to turn upside down. Maybe I’ll actually come to like this new place one day.

 

August 20, 2011 at 10:22 pm 1 comment

Taking Life For Granted?

So I heard that it’s best to blog a little every day than try to come up with long posts now and then. Revolutionary, right. So, I’m going to try that approach. As I mentioned before, I’ve become what some might call a “professional blogger” in the sense that I am paid to write blogs for other people all day long. So thus, this poor Semicolon blog gets abandoned. But maybe these new blogging tips I ran across may help.

So for today’s quick post, I am going to throw out something that’s been on my mind a lot – taking things for granted. We say it all the time, “don’t take it for granted.” From our electricity to the few years we have with our children as babies – our culture is known for this ‘don’t take for granted’ catch phrase. But when I was doing my hair the other day, in my air-conditioned house, with a baby crawling around my feet, I tried to figure out what that meant. How could I not take for granted in that moment my conveniences and my blessings. I wasn’t wanting to take anything for granted, but was I doing so by mindlessly using something or going about my day without really considering the blessings in it all? Deep thoughts for a blog about poop, I know.

So, here’s what I’ve come to the conclusion with so far:

  • We all don’t want to take things for granted.
  • We all do take things for granted.
  • We usually don’t take things for granted on purpose.
  • Being mindful of something is a way to not take something for granted.
  • Offering thanksgiving or stepping out to show appreciation for something is a way to not take things for granted.

So – that’s what I’ve got so far. I’ve been through enough life experience to know to be thankful for each day, and that each day is a gift. But this concept of not taking it for granted really has me wondering what that practically means. Ring in on this with me, because I’m really trying to figure it out. How do you NOT take things for granted?

August 18, 2011 at 11:39 am 4 comments

It’s Official

Technically, we waited for this day for a little over six months. But really, the process began many years ago as we started looking into adoption. And I am very excited to report that as of last Friday, our family is official and Mike and I are legally parents. Our adoption was finalized. The judge gave us a glowing smile. And we left court as three “official” Burgesses. How blessed we are.

With Jackson County Commissioner

 

With our great adoption lawyer

Three Burgesses leaving court

 

August 17, 2011 at 4:19 pm 2 comments

10 Years Chemo-Free

They say that a blog can be therapeutic, and a great way to process raw feelings and emotions. Well, this is one of those posts. At least I gave you a heads up. Sorry, no baby photos or poop jokes today. Maybe next time.

On this cancer journey, several of us have special milestone days each year that take us back to when we were in the midst of our fight. Here are a few of mine:

  • January 23 – the day I was diagnosed, how long I’ve been fighting this bad boy cancer.
  • The two weeks between January 23 – Feb 2 – it’s like this shadow hangs over me these weeks as I remember the journey from being diagnosed, to finding doctors, to finally having my first major surgery.
  • June 9 – my new date I have to go off to consider myself “cancer free.” I’m at 2 years.
  • July 24 – my original “survivor day” that my family and I celebrated on the glorious day I was released from cancer treatments and finished with chemo all together!

I know it’s a lot, it is for me too. But these are my special cancer days that I remember each year. I don’t do big celebrations or even really recognize them all each year  (although my husband typically does, bless his heart) but as each one of these days comes, it’s a time for me to reflect – or as it has been in the past, push away the rush of emotions that come with the reality of this cancer game.

Today is one of the days along my journey that always means something special to me, July 24. I hope I never forget what it was like to walk into my oncologist’s office 10 years ago. I was supposed to have a treatment, one of my last. They drew my blood and saw that I was absolutely too weak to take the next chemo treatment. My white blood counts were way too low. Six months of chemo and a month of radiation had been enough. Instead of heading for the chemo room, I got to go into the physician’s room where he explained that I was done, I didn’t have to finish my remaining two treatments, and that I was released from treatment.

While I walked in there without any strength, I nearly floated out of the office. Finally after several months of living through one of the horrors that comes on this side of heaven, at age 17 nonetheless, I was free. My parents took me to Eskews Fine Jewelry to get a watch – and had it engraved “SURVIVOR” and the date, 7-24-01. I still wear it every year on this day. We went out to dinner at Gojos to celebrate. It was a huge day for me.

Just like the Sunday morning earlier this year on January 23, I had a rush of emotions come over me this morning. It’s funny because during the first years of being in remission, I don’t think I really had it all sink in yet. I would be so excited to reach my cancer mile-markers, and just be pumped to celebrate. I even made a homemade t-shirt and wore it for a few years. I was on cloud nine.

survivordayyear1

My homemade "Survivor" t-shirt I sported for years - in 2002

Maybe it’s because my cancer HAS come back once that I find it hard to joyously celebrate now, or maybe it’s because I’m older, I’m married, I have a kiddo – and the actuality of what I went through has just begun to hit me. But instead of breaking out my old shirt today and sporting the town with it – proudly showing I am a survivor – I had to make myself get out of bed, go through my typical Sunday routine and not break down bawling along the way. God bless my friends and family who showed up with flowers today, and my hubby who splurged on delicious cupcakes. He knows the way to my heart.

Although I hate that I feel like crying rather than celebrating as each one of my “Year 10” mile markers has come, I actually think it’s a good thing. Last year when I went through counseling, I learned that instead of processing my emotions, I’ve developed a pattern to unplug from them and disconnect with how I really feel. I’ve slowly started to “plug back in” throughout the year, and the raw emotions of fear, sadness, grief, loss and more have rushed in as I’ve dealt with the cancer face-to-face.While it’s not been fun, it is nice to actually feel again and get real with what I’ve faced throughout the years.

So, today hits 10 years for me that I’ve been “chemo-free” and my original Survivor Day. And while I’ve got a train of emotions hitting me, I’m so, so grateful for them. Not only am I grateful for the ability to feel the emotions, but for life and how God is using my story even 10 years later. I could have easily not made it 10 years ago. But He chose to heal me so that His glory would be made known through me and my story. Why that’s not been the case for everyone who has faced this disease, I don’t understand – but I have faith that it’s all for a reason, and I will continue to point people to hope as long as I’m still here. As hard as it is to face the fears, side effects and impacts that surviving cancer so young has had – I absolutely feel blessed to be part of the bigger picture and do my part in pointing people upwards to Him.

So on that note, a huge “hurray” that I’ve been off the chemo for 10 years now. A huge thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, supported us and walked with us through this journey over the years. I can only pray that there are many more days full of flowers and cupcakes ahead.

July 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm 8 comments

Taming the Mixed Baby Hair Mane

Now this little love boat…..

mixed-baby-hair-fun

Is absolutely EVERYWHERE now. As is her beautiful hair. (Please disregard her lack of clothing and mess of a house; but this is what life’s like around here these days, well some days at least.)

A fun fact you may not know, not only are you asked a million questions when you adopt a child, but you’re asked a million + 2 questions when you adopt a biracial child.  You get to always explain to others how you’ll explain race in the home – and you’ll get to answer to everyone –  including the court system – about if you’re learned how to do mixed baby hair.

And for the record, I’ve got a pretty good handle on how to do mixed baby hair. Of course I’ll keep learning as it grows in thicker and gets longer – and I’ll always be open to suggestions so keep sending them. And yes, I get why it’s important to know how to do the hair not just from a “girl’s got good hair, let’s show it off” perspective, but also from a cultural one. I get all that.

So…

That’s why this mama walked all the way to the car today in 104 degree, record-breaking heat with a bunch of bags and 20-lb. baby in my arms, realized that I had not put anything in the poor thing’s hair all day, dropped off my things in the car, walked all the way back inside of the house with baby in tow, applied leave-in conditioner to tame the mane and define her curly spirals, and then walked back to the car, through the heat, got the baby back into her seat and all buckled up, and continued on with our errands.

Can’t wait to tell the judge that one.

July 22, 2011 at 11:17 pm 3 comments

Fireworks in the Sky

I admittedly have a really crappy memory. It’s actually never really been that great, but I like to use the excuse of “chemo brain” when I really can’t remember things. Who knows if it’s the chemo or not… but that makes since so I’m going with it.

While I struggle recalling events in the past, the six months that I was on cancer treatment 10 years ago remain very vivid. And one night that is particularly clear is the evening I tried to rejoin my life on the 4th of July weekend.

I was at the tail end of my radiation treatments and the hopes of “normal life” were starting to appear. I hadn’t hung out with my friends in months due to my illness. My butt was raw from 30 days of radiation, and I was just plain tired of wearing that stupid, ugly continuous infusion chemo pack everywhere I went. Nicknaming it “Chester” had only helped in the beginning. By the end of those four weeks, I was ready for “Chester” to meet Jesus and get the heck off of me.

I had been invited to my friend Meagan’s house to celebrate the Fourth of July. She lived on a lake within my suburb, and although I was not much of a lake person even back then – not to mention extremely intimidated by the lakeside neighborhoods with their narrow, windy roads and zero parking – I went for it and joined my friends. I had a big group of girlfriends when I was diagnosed, and this was one of the first nights that we were all together since I’d been sick.

We weren’t the drinking kind, nor did we find a lot of fun in rebelling against our parents. So, our high school version of hanging out was pretty low-key. Some had brought fireworks and were starting to shoot them off by the time I arrived. I remember slowly walking down to the water and watching my friends float on rafts and flirt with boys. I carefully dipped my feet into the lake – opting not to swim since lake water wouldn’t quite agree with my immune system. I laughed with my friends. I tried to fit in. I even had a red, white and blue tank-top on to prove it.

There was nothing magical about that night. But for some reason I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being happy that I could fit into tiny jean shorts. I remember being jealous of my friend’s gorgeous tan and sparkly pink bikini. I remember the sparklers, having fun drawing pictures in the air. I remember trying to fit in with the jokes and flirting, yet not, and while the group hung back to talk and laugh, I went off by myself and gazed at the fireworks above the lake in an “I really feel older than 17” moment.

Life has a funny way of coming in and out, and making you realize that what seemed like a passing moment in time was actually a mile marker in the journey. That night 10 years ago as I watched fireworks above the lake, I cracked open the realization that I was different… and I would never be the same again. My experience with cancer had not only scarred my body and interrupted my calendar. It had changed the dynamics of my friendships and how I would relate to others for the rest of my life.

Surviving cancer doesn’t make one an obvious alien this world, although it too often feels like it. The secret aches from past surgeries and scar tissues, the quiet worries of what will happen next or why that pain just shot through your body, the unspoken questions of how much longer you have or if your kids have your genes – thus is the mindset of a survivor. And while we try to brush it off and fit in most days, it’s often what’s running through our minds when we’re staring off into space… or up at the fireworks in the sky.

When life crisis hits, you don’t always realize all of the areas it will impact until enough time has gone by and then you start to “get it.” That moment on the lake 10 years ago was just a momentary peek into the types of issues I would process in the coming decade. And while the gravity of the situation has come over the years, I’m thankful that it’s been over time. Even more, I’m thankful that despite my moment of seriousness as I slipped away from my friends only to quickly rejoin them that Fourth of July weekend – what really was was going through my head was where I could get another sparkler and how I had managed to fit into my jean shorts that night.

July 4, 2011 at 12:06 am Leave a comment

Humbled, Grateful and Slushie-fied

There are few places that feel like home to me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love to travel. But as someone who uses the restroom like 10 times/day, I like to feel at home.

If you would have told me five years ago that a charming lake house in upstate New York would feel like home – even with over 20 people running through it and only two bathrooms – I probably would have laughed really hard, possibly tooted, and said yeah right – I’m from the Midwest. But strangely enough, that has come true as the McMasters’ pad and all the homes that run along Hulett’s Landing in Lake George, NY are like a second home to me. Did I mention there is a slushie machine?

I’m coming down from my “colon camp” high once again and trying to reel in the feelings and emotions that come after spending four days with fellow colon cancer survivors. Last year I met up with past models at our reunion. This year, I had the amazing opportunity to go back to Lake George. I’m still tingling and humbled at the opportunity. I pray to God I never break my fingers; these babies and the power of the pen have opened up the opportunity for me to serve as part of the team that makes the Colondar happen. I’m still beside myself. Not only do I get to write the bios this year, but I just had the opportunity to sit down and interview twelve of the most inspirational people on the planet.

 

The 2012 Models

There are not many things that leave me speechless – or maybe word-less – but I’m just not even sure how to talk about the 2012 models. It’s hard to encapsulate Belle’s reactions to how great a flower smells or her first sight of Lake George. I’ll always remember Dave’s cool, calm demeanor when the gals dropped at his feet begging to hear his voice, Roger’s genuine happiness, Kim’s hilarious one-liners and Melissa, Paige and Reagan’s tales of bravery and persistence as 20-something survivors. I loved Connie and Staci’s wit, Tim’s sly smiles, and Dan’s humbled, quiet reactions toward every running comment (he’s a major marathoner.) Oh – and then there are Adam’s jokes.

Fellow Colondar models, this group is special and it’s with great honor that I got to help welcome them into our family. As I sat down with each one of them, I was struck by a common thread that ran through each of their lives: gratefulness. And as I sit back, rejoin my life (well, sort of – I’m on the beach in Florida… but that’s beside the point) I can’t get their words out of my mind.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

“Be grateful for what you have.”

“Take it one day at a time.”

“Life’s awfully temporary.”

 

Being Grateful for my Life

You know, it’s funny the way life has its way of twisting and turning and going on with or without you. About half way through the weekend I was chatting with my dear friend Erika about some of the models’ comments. I realize that three years ago during my interviews, and even years earlier I would have said the same stuff. I probably still do. But I was very aware this weekend that I’ve not been living like a colon cancer survivor who knows life is temporary. I do sweat the small stuff. I forget that life is short. And with all that I’ve been given, I go through life so fast sometimes, I don’t stop and offer thanksgiving for life in general – much less everything that God has brought into it.

It’s with my deepest gratitude that I was at Lake George last weekend. What a life-changing experience once again. And while yes, I am motivated to exercise more (thanks, Dan…) I’m even more motivated to live differently; to kiss my husband more often, hug my daughter even tighter and not let one day go by without thanking God for life.

Enjoy some photos; you’ll have to wait until September for the good stuff…

Kansas City represent!

The 2012 models

Cancer buddies

June 13, 2011 at 9:18 pm 4 comments

Ask Dr. T – Can Pre-Cancerous Polyps Re-Grow?

We haven’t checked in with our favorite Lee’s Summit gastroenterologist in awhile, so I thought we’d throw a question his way:

Dear Dr. T,

Can pre-cancerous polyps re-grow (once removed?)

Dr. T says:

“Not usually at the same site where they were removed -sometimes a polyp that is incompletely removed will recur -especially flat or large polyps. Sometimes more frequent exams are required to ensure that regrowth does not occur.”

 

A huge thanks to Dr. Marc Taormina of Midwest Gastroenterology for weighing in on our “everything colon” questions! If you have a question for the doctor, just leave a comment, or send me an email and we’ll get your questions answered!

June 5, 2011 at 9:42 am Leave a comment

Bucket Lists

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and bucket lists came up. As a cancer survivor, I have a handful of opinions when it comes to certain topics. And while I like to think I’m pretty easy-going, for some reason, these I have a very clear, passionate view on at least four things:  the need for colonoscopy,  cancer crawls, breast cancer awareness month and bucket lists.

I’m not Down on Bucket Lists

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not down on bucket lists. I actually think they’re great… for most people. Especially when the “Bucket List” movie came out and raised awareness about the whole idea. I think it’s great that people start thinking about what they’d like to do in life. Bucket lists stir passions in people. They motivate people to go get all that life has to offer, at least as much as they possibly can. So while I think bucket lists are great.. they’re just not for me.

Why I don’t have a Bucket List

I don’t have a bucket list. I think it’s mainly because the idea that life is short is all too real for me. Maybe it’s unhealthy and out of fear that I won’t create a bucket list. I mean, I don’t want to create a list that I have no way of achieving. I know that’s how it works for everyone (not everyone can always get to everything on their bucket list)… but that possibility is all too real for me. And although it’s a daily process for me to not live out of fear, I think there are some healthy reasons I don’t have a bucket list. I really do try to live each day realizing that it could be my last … or at least as best I can. I try to cram as much as I can into life just because I’m very aware that life is short. And while I don’t have a long list of big things I’d love to do before I die, I do try to take each opportunity that comes to me. I feel blessed that I’ve gotten to do, see and experience a ton of things already, and that as I continue to follow my heart and passions, that will only increase.

So Should you Have a Bucket List?

I’m not the one to say if you should have a bucket list or not. I think they’re great for so many people, even though I don’t have one. I’d say what is important more than a bucket list is an awareness that life is short. We were all put here for a reason and with a purpose, and so why not find that reason and what drives our passion. We’ll all have the opportunity to do things we dream of doing throughout life, so if it takes a bucket list to realize them – then go for it. Or, if you’re like me and refuse to make a list (but still have a few things you’d love to do in your life in the back of your mind) – do that too. Life is short, so let’s make it count.

May 27, 2011 at 3:31 pm Leave a comment

Oh Yeah… My Blog!

Wait – I have a blog? Oh yeah…

Sorry guys, in the midst of working for the church, growing my small business and um, getting the hang of this mom thing – good ole’ Semicolon Stories has gotten the shaft. But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Our dogs feel the same way too.

But, I’m just checking in to say hello to the blog world, and that life here is good, busy, changing, yet good. Let’s see here… for a few updates…

  • My hubby is about ready to change careers and bring his teaching gig to an end in about a week. He’ll be joining me in the website arena and working on CSS for a website company.
  • Mae’s doing great. She’s doing this awesome rock-n-roll, I’m about to crawl thing now. She’s really great at getting on all fours and then lunging. I love it – it’s not pretty but she doesn’t care. She can get anywhere she wants these days – except out of her bed and onto my plate.
  • I’m doing well! Health-wise, I got the “all clear” again this week after another CT scan. Docs wanted to make sure that the pelvic activity showing up on the scans is still just scar tissue. The CT last week didn’t show any concerns. Hallelujah.
  • I’m working like a beast – that is my imagination of how a beast would work. I’m also in the midst of approaching a healthy balance between my full-time job and side business, so in the meantime I’m keeping rather… active. But don’t worry – it will be changing soon. Promise.
  • And my last bit of WAY exciting news for now-
    (no we don’t have another kid stashed away or anything like that…)
    But – I am headed to NEW YORK again in a few weeks for the 2012 COLONDAR SHOOT!
    Oh my friends, I am so excited, honored and in awe that I get to return to the magical place of all-things Colondar. I’ve been asked to write the bios for the new 12 calendar models. I can’t wait to meet them, to write their heroic stories, to make more friends who’ve also experienced colon cancer at a young age, and to return to see good friends at the shoot.

So, that’s a short and quick update! I’ll make it a goal to post more soon but in the meantime, we’ll just be chilling in a laundry basket.

May 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm Leave a comment

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