Posts tagged ‘31 Reasons You Never Want Colon Cancer’
Reason #17 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #17
Bed Farts.
One of the most comfortable places in the world is bed. And one of the first things you do when you get comfortable as a semicolon is fart. Let’s just say I have a very forgiving, understanding husband who plays along and has found a way to clamp down the sheets hard enough to trap it in and laugh with me.
Reason #16 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #16
The scar down your stomach looks like an incomplete six-pack.
Now my friends and family say it’s really not that bad, but I’m still not a huge fan of the scar running down my entire abdomen. Some days I’m more fond of it and kind of like it. Other days I feel like it looks like some kind of Cesarean gone wrong or messed up six pack. I’m working on it….
Reason #15 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #15
Kiss the careless french fry eating days away.
NOT that you can’t eat French fries after you’ve had colon cancer. But you definitely think twice about how much you eat, especially when they’re still dripping in oil. The more oil and french fry consumption, the greater the chance that you’ll get a lot of bathroom magazine reading done that night.
Reason #14 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #14
You cross your fingers when you travel.
Depending on how early the flight, how strong the coffee, or how stressful the morning – things could go very well or very bad. You pray to God you can avoid spending the entire flight in the plane’s tiny bathroom.
Reason #13 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #13
After going through radiation to your pelvis, you’ll eventually start standing up as if you were an old lady with arthritis. Even when you’re only 26.
I semi-joke about bringing a blow up air pillow with me everywhere I go. The hard seats with no cushion are the worst.
Reason #12 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #12
You get colonoscopies as often as PAP smears
Well, not for our menfolk, but indeed for our lady survivor friends. When you’re asked about your “annual exam,” you reply, “Which one?”
Reasons #8-11 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Oh blog readers, I am back. Sorry, crazy week. In light of the craziness, I have been reminded of some of the intricacies of being a colon cancer survivor. Here are a few that have impacted this week:
Reason #8
Everyone prefers to “use their own barn,” but you often don’t have that option.
And when you don’t, it’s so embarrassing. You see, most of us semicolons don’t have the purse or pocket space to carry around our own air freshener and we’d look like freaks, or terrorists, if we carried around a box full of matches.
Reason #9
As appetizing as the new fiber bars on the market look and smell, you’d better just stay away.
Dang you Kashi – you’ve got one that looks awesome too. But no matter how good you smell nor how cool your packaging works, there’s NO WAY I am even testing you out before a night away from home.
Reason #10
A heavy dose of stress works just like a bottle of MiraLax.
Some nights after a long day it’s like I’m preparing for a colonoscopy but without the day of fasting and scope in the morning.
Reason #11
Your dilemma: A healthy diet is full of fresh veggies, whole grains, nuts and seeds. Some of your worst days are full of fresh veggies, whole grains, nuts and seeds.
This one is still stumping me. I’m constantly fighting the balance of eating very healthy, whole, nutrient-full foods while keeping in mind those are often hardest on my colon. I am personally fortunate that I can still eat salads and other veggies that aren’t steamed given my situation. Many other semicolons don’t have it as fortunate.
Reason #6 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #6
You’ll start checking for bathrooms as if they were exits in a movie theater.
…or aisle seats on an airplane. Any entrance into a new place begins with scanning the room for nearest toilet. You need to know where to go in case of emergency. And all of my buds with IBS say “amen!”
Reason #5 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #5
You’ll be trying to convince everyone you know to get a colonoscopy for the rest of your life.
And let me tell you, this is NOT easy. Oh the excuses you’ll hear when you try to encourage those who divulge their personal health “issues” to you to go ahead and get scoped, much less those who are over age 50 and need it anyway. It’s almost easier to sell vacuums door to door. But the burden of knowing it’s importance on a personal level will be so heavy, you’ll do it anyway.
Side Note:
I’ll be doing this later today as I speak at a “National Dress in Blue Day” open house! Feel free to stop by if you’re in the area and say hello!
What: Open House for “National Dress in Blue Day”
Where: Midwest Gastroenterology, 3601 NE Ralph Powell Rd., Lees Summit, MO 64064
Time: 5-7pm (I’ll be speaking a little after 6pm)
Reason #4 You Never Want Colon Cancer
Reason #4
Chemo Brain
Yep, it’s true. If you’ve had chemo, there’s a chance you’ve experienced chemo brain somewhere along the way. ACS explains it well here.
Semicolon Stories 