Author Archive
Counseling for Cancer (among other things)
Until I recently started tossing around the idea of seeing a counselor, I had no idea about the “stigma” that went with it. Sort of like when I got the tattoo on the left side of my belly and people told me AFTERWARDS how tender that spot is – that’s what this venture into counseling has felt like. I didn’t realize some of the perceptions that went along with it until I entered the world.
For the past several months I’d tossed around the idea of seeing a professional counselor. Life has it’s way of throwing curve balls, and they had just been adding up in my case. When they come one at a time, I can handle them. But when it feels like I’m at the batting cages and the machine that’s throwing pitch after pitch is broken, and they just keep coming one after the other, faster and faster — I knew it was time to get some help.
So, a great friend gave me a resource and I started meeting with a lady last week to help me work through some of life’s big issues that have come my way. And lucky for my readers and anyone else on the internet who googles counseling, cancer, or “do Twizzlers make your poop red?” — my most popular google search listing, I have decided to blog about it. Too many of us out there need help, but so many of us won’t go get it. It makes sense to go to the oncologist, radiologist and every other “ologist” we need for our bodies, but when it comes to our minds, we feel we can handle it. At least that was me until a few weeks ago when I finally broke down and signed up for some help.
Someone mentioned to me that when you go to counseling, something must be “really wrong,” and that’s why many people don’t want to go. I thought about that for a little bit and found it interesting. First, because just about everyone will say seeing a counselor is something good for you to do; and second, if trying to work through issues related to two bouts of cancer, infertility, family, jobs, relationships and an array of other things isn’t “really wrong” – I don’t know what is.
So, I started meeting with a counselor. And I’m really enjoying it so far. I’m one week in and have already learned a lot. I wouldn’t say anything is fixed, solved or that I’ve figured out my life, but at least I feel like I’m on the path to feeling more “me” again. I’m glad to have reached the point where I’m ready to conquer the emotional and mental side of this disease as well and stop running and hiding from all that scares or frightens me, even if it does come with the perception that something must be really wrong with me. Because let’s face it, sometimes living through colon cancer isn’t that much fun. But there are people out there to help us get hope again, and that’s exactly what I am set out to do.
Toilet Golf
I realize that many of my posts have been pretty heavy lately. The one thing Semicolon Stories can provide is a guaranteed, honest look at what life is like through colon cancer. Sometimes it’s awesome and other times it’s really hard.
But, I also realize that this is a blog dedicated to all things colon, and that we haven’t talked about poop in a long time.
So, to help lighten the mood today I leave you with this: Toilet Golf! We saw this bad boy in a cute store when walking around Downtown Lawrence for our anniversary.
The “Potty Putter Toilet Time Golf Game” looks like a great way to improve your holes-in-one while you’re going number two! Check it out…
Watch out, Tiger! With the amount of time us semicolons have to practice, we’ll be giving you a run for your money!
Shadow of the Sword
“Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword. On one side all is correct, definite, orderly; the paths are straight, the trees regular, the sun shaded; escorted by gentlemen, protected by policemen, wedded and buried by clergymen, she has only to walk demurely from cradle to grave and no one will touch a hair of her head. But on the other side all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course. The paths wind between bogs and precipices; the trees roar and rock and fall in ruin.”
~ Virginia Woolf, ‘Harriette Wilson’, Collected Essay
#colondarreunion
If you would have told me that in my lifetime I would join a group of people that come from all over the country, of varying ages, with different family backgrounds, opposing political views, contrasting views on religion, and even very different ethnicity, life experiences and definitions of “fun,” – and then told me that after spending a weekend with this group I’d be mildly-depressed after heading home and separating from these people, I might have not believed you.
But that indeed is what’s happened.
Modeling for the 2009 Colondar was an experience that changed my life. At the risk of sounding too cliche and cheesy, it really, really did. But the amazing thing is that I didn’t even realize it at the time. I walked into the home of the McMaster’s in May 0f 2008 as a 7-year cancer survivor. Sure, I’d been diagnosed when I was 17 and had a crazy story to tell, but I was kind of “over it.” I was excited at the opportunity to participate in the calendar, but strived all week to relate to the other 11 people who were sharing their stories of surgeries, treatments, post-treatment, emotional issues, family issues and the other myriad of problems that come with colon cancer. I could relate, but only to a point. I had been diagnosed so young and was so far removed from it. I took it all in that weekend and went home a little shell-shocked. It’s like a door that had been closed was suddenly reopened, and I was faced with thinking about my cancer once again.
I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing until in Dec. of 08 when a routine colonoscopy found those little annoying polyps growing once again. You know the story… surgery, second diagnosis, genetic testing…. the past year of my life. While it’s been no cake walk to walk through cancer once again, this experience has been different this time thanks to my experience with the Colondar, and my several little “colon angels” who’ve helped me through this process.
Jon, Mr. February, was there from the start and has been my coach through it all. He also has had the same procedure I had and lives with an “itty bitty” colon. He helped me before, during and after surgery, and still keeps tabs on me to this day, encouraging me that what I still face a year later is normal. Trish, Miss March and Karen, Miss December, have been two pillars of inspiration as they too faced another diagnosis of cancer since we met in 2008, both of breast cancer. To see them gracefully battle and make it through another cancer (and still find times to laugh!) has also given me the strength to keep going. Libby, Miss January, has been my best buddy through this all and such a dear friend. She’s my roommate and my girlfriend who’s in my same age range, and been such a blessing to have as we figure out how to live as 20-something colon cancer survivors. And Erika, the yearly cover girl, means so much to me I can’t even explain. We were diagnosed only a few months from each other, her at age 22 and me at age 17, in 2001. We’re two people who really “know” what it was, and is, like for one another and strangely enough continue to be in sync with the different seasons and issues of cancer we face. And these are only a few of them. I’m daily inspired by my other ’09 buds: new-mom Allison, Doug, Jaimie (the guy lives with a J-pouch!) Greg & Todd (stage 4 survivors!), Shaye and Terri – they are all so near and dear to me.
The Colondar network has been a life-saver and a game-changer for me. That’s why this past weekend when the first-ever Colondar Models Reunion was planned, I knew I had to go no matter the time, location nor sacrifice. And I am so thankful I did. I met up with several old friends, and made many new ones as I was introduced to Karen from ’06, Dean from ’07, Becca from’08 and Evelyn from ’10. I spent time in Vermont all week with the former models, and then traveled to Lake George in upstate New York once again to meet up with the Colon Club crew that was working the shoot, as well as the new host of 2011 models.
I had an absolutely amazing and incredible time. Taking in the beauty of Vermont while spending time among people who really “get it” when it comes to life as a colon cancer survivor was exactly what I’ve needed to help heal my heart and fight the emotional battle with cancer. It helped me realize how much of my day-to-day still revolves around the fact that I had colon cancer, and that while I might feel alone at home, I’m not alone completely in it in the world. It helped me take a much-needed step toward addressing the repressed feelings I’ve had about this second diagnosis and begin to work through them. It made me want to keep fighting off some of the negative pressures cancer puts on me, and gave me a support network of people who can relate and work through this with me. It brought out sadness and sorrow at our situation, yet hope and joy that we’d made it and that we’re together. It motivated me to keep going.
I’ve used many words to explain the significance of our group and the impact this past weekend had on my life. And while I could keep going on and on, I’ll let the pictures explain the rest. Thank you to all of my Colondar family for an unforgettable experience, and I cannot wait to see you all again…
Wider Eyed
You ever get so wrapped up into something that you forget what life was like before the madness hit? I do.
The temptation to become so narrow-focused in the current situation comes on strong. It’s all too easy to lose sight of who I really am and what I’m all about. It’s hard to remember that life was going on before the madness hit, and that life is continuing as I wade through it.
Whether I’m in the midst of fighting cancer or dealing with an intense workload – it happens.
But I must remember that the world is still turning. I need to widen my view and remember there are things happening outside of my madness. There are other people with issues, causes and situations just as big as mine. I had a life before, and I will have one after. And actually – if I allow myself, I can have one in it’s midst.
Reminders to me that the world is still turning …
Oh my husband. We celebrated five years of being married earlier this month. He’s a ton of fun, and such a gem.
Oh this precious thing. I’m finding that being around kids can help take your mind off of some of life’s heavy stuff. Of course I realize I’m saying that as the friend and “cool Aunt B” and not a parent.
My green thumb is a growing! Here’s bean, along with his friends Tom, Pep and Zuc. I do my part and water, God does his and makes it grow.
Warning: spotlight sharing
I realize there are other issues in the world besides colon cancer. My friend Amy is passionate about one of them: Liberia. We traveled to Carbondale, IL to view the first showing of the documentary “Rainbow Town” her and her team help put together about a Liberian orphanage. You should check it out, it’s awesome.
Less-IBS… continued
So I’ve been experimenting with different ways to decrease my IBS-like symptoms the past week or so. So far, things are going really, really well. My belly hasn’t been in a constant ache and I feel better, more energized. This hasn’t decreased my number of trips to the potty, but I must be realistic about my goals here. If I can feel better during the day, bring on the bathroom trips.
Here are a few things I’ve noticed that have helped me feel better:
1. Sleep. I know, this was #1 on my last list. But it’s a biggie for me. The more rested I am, the better I feel. I know, it’s revolutionary. But for this gal who’s got a lot on her plate, it’s important for me to remember, and it’s really helped me the past week.
2. Calorie Counting. Most people attribute this to weight loss. And while it’s important for that, it’s also a big help for those who struggle with IBS. Overeating can be one of the worst triggers. I’ve found over the past few weeks though, when I manage my calories and don’t go over my recommended daily total – I don’t have hardly any food problems. Granted, I’ve been eating a lot better, too, but calorie counting has tremendously helped me.
For a great calorie counter, I recommend SparkPeople or LiveStrong. (I have the LiveStrong app on my phone and LOVE IT.)
3. Diet. I know, another shocker. But a diet full of fresh, healthy, non-processed foods has really helped me feel better. At first all of the fresh fruits & veggies can be a little rough on the colon, but after awhile I’ve gotten used to it. It’s somewhat like fiber – when you first starting eating more, hang on to your hat. But after awhile, your body adjusts and you handle it much better. I do recommend; however, that if you’re going for a salad, eat some crackers or bread before and after. It’s helped me digest it and cut down the gas and other problems.
I’ve also really cut down on my meat and dairy intake. I’ve not ruled it out completely, but I’ve noticed a big difference when I’m not consuming as much (especially red) meat and milk. Still go for string cheese and yogurt, though!
4. Not eating after 9pm. I don’t follow this every night, but I try to as much as I can. If I can tap myself off on food and most drinks by 9pm, it allows my system to rest throughout the night. I just feel better in the morning. Also, this is another recommended weight loss tip, so it’s a double-bonus for us IBS-ers.
So there it is! My Less-IBS plan continues and is finding much success! If you’re a fellow IBS-er and have any other helpful tips, do share!
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